What the Lord is teaching me...

One of the main things I have learned from the Lord the past few months is that it is okay to be me. Not who I WISH I could be but who I am…who He created me to be. For most people this is probably a very simple concept to grasp and they probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but then there are others who can probably identify too well with what I’m saying. For so long, years, I’ve been struggling with accepting myself. For most of my life I’ve hated pieces of me (like everyone does at some point) and at times I’ve hated most of me and there have been times when I’ve hated all of me. The Lord has been teaching me that it’s not okay for me to view myself this way (DUH)!! Yeah, you’d think that would be an easy one to get huh?! Sometimes the easiest concepts are the hardest for me to learn. Plus, I’m stubborn and the Lord has to teach me over and over because I don’t seem to get it the first couple or several times he tries to tell me! But recently the Lord’s shown me that I’ve been so busy trying to be other people or other things that he never created me to be. This should be an easy concept to grasp and live, however it’s not for me. It’s probably my biggest struggle that I face. No wonder I’m constantly failing at being those other people or those other things…THAT’S NOT WHO I AM OR WHO I’M SUPPOSED TO BE. It’s OKAY to be me. It’s OKAY to be who he created me to be. There are things that I may not like all the time but it’s okay to be those things. That doesn’t mean that I don’t need to work on areas of my life to be more like Christ because I DO. There are things about me that I do need to change, but I’ve been so busy trying to change all of me that I had forgotten who I am and who I am supposed to be. Then one day it seriously seemed to just hit me out of the blue that it was okay to be me. Of course it really wasn’t out of the blue, but that I finally understood what the Lord had been trying to get through my incredibly THICK head! So here are some things about me that I’ve realized are okay to be.
1. Shy- I’ve always been shy ever since I was little and I realized that it is okay. Not everyone is going to be super social. I don’t like big social events with lots of people because I (as Mr. Darcy would say...)”do not have the do not have the talent of conversing easily with people I have never met before.” It’s not easy for me and I am shy and that is okay.
2. Introverted- I’m NOT outgoing AT ALL and that IS OKAY!!! For the longest time I’ve convinced myself that it is NOT okay to be an introvert and that I am supposed to be outgoing and talk to everyone and be everyone’s bff but that’s simply not true. It’s okay that I’d rather stay out of the center of attention and just listen and watch. It’s okay that I’d rather just hang out with one person at a time or a small group of people. It’s okay that I’m more comfortable in small social situations. I’m not sure where I got the idea that I had to be outgoing to be worth something…sounds ridiculous, I KNOW!
3. Uptight-this one might be walking a thin line and sometimes I definitely do need to chill out but I am not the most laid back person all the time, there are things bother me, and I am passionate about things and sometimes that may get the best of me. But just because my personality is not naturally laid back, doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me either. I just may have to work at not overreacting to some things some times and being uptight may not be the most desirable quality, but that is okay!
4. Some people are just not going to like me- This is a very hard one that I’m still working on but I am learning to get over the fear of rejection. I’ve been so afraid of letting people really get to know me and see who I am because I’m afraid they won’t like me. Outside of my family, VERY few people really know me. Sometimes, not everyone is going to like me and that is okay and I have to learn to be okay with that. Jesus was who he was supposed to be. Some people loved him and devoted their lives to him. Other people despised and rejected him and treated him in a way that seems unimaginable but it happened. When I stop and think about how Jesus was treated, my fear seems so silly and insignificant to what he went through all for me and you because of his great love for us. People didn’t like Jesus and it didn’t stop him from being who God sent him to be and to do what God sent him to do. That’s the kind of focus I am striving for that no matter what happens or who doesn’t like me or whatever the case may be that nothing stops me from being who God created me to be and to do what God created me to do.
5. My Appearance-Okay THIS one is the hardest for me. I have definitely not overcome this one but am learning. I am not going to be the thinnest girl in the world. I may never even make it back to how I looked when I was thin and I have to be okay with that. I’m constantly trying to take care of myself by trying to eat right and exercise and keep myself healthy and that is what is important. I am never going to be the most beautiful girl in the world (by man’s standards) and that’s okay because the Lord is “enthralled by your beauty” (Psalm 45:11) and I shouldn’t be so hung up my appearance. The Lord created me how he did for a reason. Yeah, I could go have a ton of plastic surgery (not that I have $ for that nor would I want to) and re-create my face, but then that’s not who the Lord made me to be. I’m starting to realize that instead of looking at the fact that I’m not super beautiful, I should be thankful that I have two eyes, a nose, a mouth, hair, etc. and that it all works how it’s “supposed to.”
Yes, a lot of this sounds extremely selfish and superficial but this is me being real. These are my struggles even though they are selfish and superficial. I’ve been so afraid to be real with people because I’m afraid of rejection but I’m getting over that and learning to open up more. I have not overcome all of these struggles and I may struggle throughout my life on some of these issues. They may be my “thorns in my side” like Paul writes in Corinthians. I certainly have not conquered all of my fears and struggles but I know that I am “More than a conqueror through Christ Jesus,” (Romas 8:37) and I will continue to lean on him for strength to overcome my battles and conqueror them!